On Saturday, my friend Cherie made an interesting comment. She said, “it seems like you are enjoying being Andrew’s mom more than you used to.” I agreed with her and told her how I was getting to know my son and how I was starting to see the little things that make him special, instead of just comparing him to other children and finding him lacking.

As I thought about it more, I realized how extraordinary this idea is. I am beginning to trust myself and my instincts more and I am finding that following my instincts almost always leads to a more peaceful, enjoyable day. I am finally able to admit, without more than a fleeting moment of guilt, that I do not really like newborns. I know they are cuddly and they sleep a lot but they also scream for no apparent reason and wake up six times a night and, with the exception of the cuddling, don’t really demonstrate many other enjoyable qualities. At least that is my opinion.

I remember the time before Andrew was born when I thought having a child would solve all my problems by making me happy and fulfilled. (You snicker, but I’m sure you have thought that about something in your life.) And then I had him and I was hormonal and depressed and tired and overwhelmed and, certainly, Not Happy. I wondered what was wrong with me. I heard those insidious voices in my head saying, “If you really believe that you were meant to be a mother, and you don’t like being a mother, then maybe everything you believe is wrong.” “Now you are stuck and you will never be happy or fulfilled and you have wasted any opportunity for success because you were stupid enough to buy in to the idea that motherhood was your calling.” They went on and on and I resigned myself to the decisions I had made. Maybe I would be happy once he was grown up and I could get on with my life. Maybe when The Next Thing came along I would find what I was looking for. I went through my days seeing everything I had to do as a chore, one more thing to check off the list and the monotony ran in to more monotony until I was lost in the fog of resentment and bitterness against my child and the strain he put on my plans.

Slowly things began to change.

I am wary of attributing my attitude to something that Andrew did or did not do. I do not want to give him the responsibility or the power to control my emotions. I know that I am responsible for my own well being. So I will say that something within me changed. Maybe I lightened up, maybe I slowed down, maybe I just like toddlers better than I like newborns. I really don’t know what it was. But I like it. I have more fun than chores on my list these days. I don’t get out of the house as much as I would like and I miss some events that I would like to attend. But, I have a relationship with my son that is enjoyable for both of us and my days no longer seem monotonous, it’s just Tuesday and that means that we go to the library after his nap. Or maybe it’s Wednesday which means we go to swimming lessons and then take a nap. Or maybe it’s Friday which means we vacuum and then take a nap (because apparently vacuuming is enough to wear even the most intrepid toddler out). We just do our thing and there is ease and comfort in that.

For the first time I feel like maybe I wasn’t sold a lie. I believe that I am doing what I was made to do. I am learning that the things that we were made to do might not be the easiest things (or even the most enjoyable things) but they are the best things for us to do at the time. I’m not trying to say that it’s always easy or that I don’t entertain the notion of having a 9-5 job that I can leave at the end of the day. I heard of a mother of two who said recently, “How many kids do I see myself having? Zero.” I grinned at her comment because I feel that way some of the time. But then I find myself sitting on a park bench or in the library or on our couch with Andrew and I realize that I am enjoying being a mother to the one that I have. And that is a great thing.

To celebrate Jen’s birthday a bunch of us went out to the excellent Lottie’s Lounge in Columbia City. You know it’s a good night when the following sentences are uttered:

“You took a picture of her cleavage? If you had a panorama setting you could take one of mine.”

“I didn’t even notice!” “That’s because you’re drunk.”

“I’m going to have a smoke, but first I’ll go to the bathroom.” “I’m going to photograph it.” “What?! Me peeing?”

“Did I really have two jitterbugs?” “Yeah, that’s why you’re so loopy.” “I totally thought I had more!”

Speaking of the Jitterbug, it’s got my vote for the new Best Cocktail Ever.

1. 1 shot cold espresso
2. 1 shot vanilla vodka
3. creme de cacao and kahlua to taste

A fantastic combination of caffeine and alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, I am still devoted to my Jack and Coke, but this was pretty damn awesome.

Here are the rest of the pictures. I love having girl friends!

We went camping with some friends this weekend at Millersylvania State Park, just outside of Olympia. Marshmallows and hot dogs were roasted, laughter was shared among friends, and Andrew found his calling in life - outdoorsman.

You can click here to see all of our pictures.

When we first moved in to our house there was a nice little No Solicitations sign above our doorbell.  I took it down when we repainted and never managed to put it up again.  This hasn’t really been a problem as I have no issue being a little bit rude to people who come by in the middle of dinner and try to sell me new windows or vinyl siding.  But today was different.

Today I had to slam the door (okay, close the door gently but forcefully) in the face of two elderly ladies who were hellbent on convincing me that becoming a Jehovah’s Witness would make me a better mother. 

I tried the standard arguments that I have prepared for such situations, “We have a church home and are very happy there.”  or “I am settled in my beliefs, thank you.”  But they would have none of it. 

So now I am vacillating between extreme annoyance at being interrupted during Andrew’s morning nap and guilt for having been rude to two blue-haired (they really were) ladies.  Is it any wonder people get annoyed with the in-your-face attitude of organized religion?

Today was Andrew’s first swimming lesson.  I thought he would be tremendously excited about this, being as the last time he was near a pool he tried to jump in at the 8ft mark.  But, alas, my touchy kid was, touchy.  So we tried for a little while to keep up with the class and then we spent the rest of the time playing with the wheels on the back of the bleachers. 

At least he had fun doing that.  And he did, in all seriousness, announce his intention to go away! from the pool.

John Mayer has a new song called Waiting on the World to Change.  It’s catchy as hell and, since I like John Mayer, I was happy to hear it. 

But, the more I think about it the angrier I become. 

Here are the lyrics: 

me and all my friends we’re all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing
and there’s no way we ever could
now we see everything that’s going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don’t have the means
to rise above and beat it 

so we keep waiting waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change 

it’s hard to beat the system
when we’re standing at a distance
so we keep waiting waiting on the world to change 

now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information,
oh they can bend it all they want 

that’s why we’re waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change 

it’s not that we don’t care,
we just know that the fight ain’t fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change 

and we’re still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change 

one day our generation is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change 

we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change

This is exactly the kind of lame-ass attitude that makes the establishment discount the opinions of young people. 

Hannah Arendt said, “The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution.”  It is easy to desire change when your class is suffering.  Unfortunately, once that change is accomplished, it is also easy to forget about the other groups that are now being underrepresented. 

This is most clear, to me, in my parent’s generation.  My mom was part of a group that closed down I-5 in protest of the Vietnam War. Theirs was a generation that really thought things would be different once they were in charge.  They were not content to sit and wait for the world to change - they took drastic action to produce the change that they felt was needed. 

And then they sat back and relaxed and became conservatives.  If the Kennedy generation can sit in government today and endorse an ambiguous (and dubious) War on Terror without remembering the horrors of Vietnam, (weren’t we making the world safe for democracy there too?) why do we think our generation is going to be any different? 

The problem is that young people believe the lie that we have to sit and wait for the world to change until we are powerful enough to take on the establishment.  And once that day comes, we look around and realize that we are the establishment and that our lives are pretty damn comfortable and maybe we overreacted just a little bit when we were young and impetuous.  And another generation of stay-the-course conservatives comes to power. 

So, yeah, John, one day our generation is going to rule the population.  And the only way things will be any different is if we are content to sacrifice some of our niceties for the greater good. If we can learn to listen to differing opinions and admit that we made a mistake or that we need help fixing a problem. If we can remember how it felt to be unheard and ignored and bulldozed by power and somehow find a way to avoid doing that to others.  We have to vote, not just in presidential elections but in every election.  We have to stop getting excited and encouraged by increased voting numbers among young people (saying to ourselves, “oh good, the problem of voter turnout is being solved) and realize that a 47% voter turnout among 18-24 year olds and a 56% turnout among 25-35 year olds in a hotly contested presidential election is still DISMAL.  We need to stop whining about having no power when we are too bloody lazy to even vote.  (Aside: Did you know that you can sign up online to get the ballot delivered to your mailbox?  It is really not that tricky.)

I get that we are all busy.  That democracy is a slow and frustrating process. That we might all register to vote and, by majority or court decision, our opinion of choice might be defeated.  But I refuse to sit quietly and wait for the world to change.   

Andrew and I have been working on putting his things away when he is done with them.  Today, the idea finally clicked in his head - away!  He began running around the yard yelling, “away!” and moving things from one spot to the other.  He put some weeds away! on the back deck.  His wagon went away! under the slide and some rocks were put away! in the shed. 

Now he is laying in his room kicking the wall (a normal bedtime ritual) still singing, “a - way! a - way! a - way!”

What a fun age.

I finally remembered to bring my camera in with us when Andrew had a bath. He has great hair for soap styles!

Background: Alicia and I are having a conversation about the fact that, much of the time, I don’t want to have more kids…

Alicia: …Yeah, but once Andrew starts reading on his own he will spend the majority of the day with his face in a book, you’ll want a baby to take care of then.

Me: Or maybe I’ll just sit in my quiet, clean house and read my own book - just me and my selfish, shriveled heart