I struggle to set realistic expectations. I think that is why I am mad at people so much of the time. But while I have learned to lower my expectations of others, I still consider myself a failure if I fall short of my ridiculously high standards.
Let me tell you about Monday.
On Monday I purposed in my heart to blow my eating plan. I wanted Chinese food. I wanted candy. I wanted my couch and my Harry Potter. I wanted them now. I had my day worked out so I could get what I wanted. Andrew and I went to the pumpkin patch in the morning (thus tiring the child out so he would take a good nap so I could eat) and I planned to stop at the store on the way home.
We had a great time, and Andrew got all muddy. Andrew likes to get muddy, but then he likes to get clean again. I had not taken that in to consideration and I neglected to pack and change of clothes. So the car ride home consisted of a constant wail from the backseat, “There is a mess. Mommy should clean your hands. Your legs are wet.” I gritted my teeth and said, “I know, honey, but Mommy needs to make one stop first and then we will go home and clean up.”
This was not the right answer.
“We need to go home! We need to clean up!” While, in my head, Maybe this is your chance to change the story. Just go to the store. It will take five minutes.
“Hey Andrew,” I said, “do you want to get a treat at the store?”
He smiled and stopped crying about the mud, and it hit me. What was I doing? What kind of example was I setting? Food, and my need for comfort as defined by me, was utterly controlling me. This was insanity.
“Andrew,” I said, “Mommy made a mistake. I’m sorry. I should not have said that. We are not going to get a treat. You are right. We will go home and get cleaned up.”
Amid a fresh torrent of tears because of the unfairness of life, we finished the ride home.
He settled down and slept and I ate more than I should have eaten out of our refrigerator. But it was healthy food. It was real food.
I beat myself up for a while afterward because I had still overeaten, and then it dawned on me. This was a major success! A year ago I would have been in that store come hell or high water. I would have done whatever was necessary to get what I felt like I needed or deserved.
Too often I miss these small changes. Too often I bend over backwards trying to convince someone else that they are being too hard on themselves, all the while forgetting to take my own advice.
Certainly, in a perfect world, I would have not purposed to binge in the first place and hit my nutritional goals head on every time, but this is not that world. What I need to remember is that small success breeds more small success, and one of these days, those small successes are going to bring about a big change. My job is to keep heading in the right direction and not miss the milestones along the way.
PS - First full workout at the gym today - ouch, in the best possible way, ouch!
