Justin managed to fix my sidebar.* I have no idea what happened. I was attempting to update some links and, just when I thought it was done, I went to check and see how the page looked and there was nothing on the page. Nothing. Just the header and the title. Nothing else.

I panicked. It’s what I do in these situations.

As he sat there, scanning the lines of code for anything out of the ordinary, I commented to him, “I’m glad you’re here. I’d be having a real nervous breakdown if it weren’t for you.”

He snorted, acknowledging me without breaking concentration.

“You think I’m kidding.”

“I wish you were.”

Sometimes the truth just slips out.

*At least, he managed to restore the default settings, I’m still not thrilled with it. I think I’m going to move some of the fun stuff that I was trying to add to pages. I’ll let you know. I’d like to think that I could have done it too. And I think I could have. But I’m glad I didn’t have to.

We are experiencing technical difficulties.*

We are aware of the problem with the sidebar and are working to correct it.

An operator will be with you shortly.

Know that your call is important to us.

*GAH! Don’t be like me. Save early. Save often.

Monday holidays always throw me. On Tuesday I’m trying to run my Monday errands. I wake up the next day, ready for a quiet, housework-filled Tuesday but it’s not Tuesday, it’s Wednesday and there’s an extra kid in my house. Thursday comes, busy with a playdate and my over-stimulated child melts down. Tomorrow is Costco day and afternoon yoga class.

I’m ready to stretch.

In the meantime, I’ll put up some pictures from our holiday weekend at the beach house with my Aunt from San Francisco. It was great!

He could choose three rides. He rode the bug three times.

A boy and his stick, what could be better?

AND, we found the best park in the world! Sweet mercy! We were there at 6:45pm, we will go earlier next time.

Here are the rest of the photos.

I often lose sight of the bigger picture.

I know it’s a common aliment for those of us who love to obsess and fiddle and tweak. In fact, we use our obsession as an escape. The big picture is frequently overwhelming and, because we lack vision, we don’t see how our baby steps are making any difference in that scary big thing hanging over our heads. Whereas, if I can just get this one database, one room in my house, one area of my life, one part of my body cleaned up and perfect I will have accomplished something and I can breathe a little easier. But, while some of those little things help, the big picture remains.

I was challenged this last week to think about my journey of health and weight-loss with a big picture mentality and make a list of the reasons I have to make wise choices with food.

Making the list was harder than it sounds, but I think I have a good start.

I will make wise choices with food…

Because I believe God created me to live and eat in balance and health.

Because I don’t want to be the way I have been.

Because I want to leave a legacy of health and wellness for my children.

Because I love my smokin’ hot body.

Because I want to be a better runner.

****

What are your reasons?

What I should be reading…

What I am reading…

If Andrew gets an acceptance letter from Hogwarts I’ll be ready, other than that I guess he is on his own.

Since I mentioned it here, I decided I should probably put Making All Things New by Henri J.M. Nouwen up on the Book List.

Jen cooked up this good plan to help the third member of our local I-was-born-in-the-70s-so-my-parents-named-me-Jennifer club.

Jenny’s daughter Zoe had a heart transplant almost two years ago, you can read their story here. Since then, they have been in and out of the hospital and have spent much of their time at home in some form of quarantine, keeping Zoe’s fragile immune system away from all the nasty bugs out there. Having access to a computer has allowed them to stay in touch with friends, send updates, do research and keep the kids entertained when they are waiting in the doctor’s office.

But lately, their computer has been cracking under the strain.

So we’re working to get them some money for a new laptop. Jen’s got some great prizes cooked up for those who donate early and every little bit helps, so click here and give if you can.

*it would be a good cause even if I don’t get a t-shirt

I came home from Portland last time with Trash by Dorothy Allison, and I finally finished it. My thoughts are up on the Book List.

197.

Up 0.1 from the last official weigh-in. I guess I should have blown my nose again before I stepped on the scale.

For a few weeks that included Justin being in Virginia, dinners with friends and a week of no exercise and very little record-keeping, this is nothing short of extraordinary.

Onward we go.

I have a lot of shitty first drafts floating around my computer these days. Many of them center around the fact that I haven’t been writing very much lately, but their very existence disproves that theory. I’ve been writing, just not finishing.

I always feel obligated to explain the ebb and flow of my writing, as though this page can’t just be what it is. But I’m fighting that feeling this time. Instead, I’m going to put all my unfinished drafts in a folder so I can stop staring at them and put up the quotes that provided me food for thought. You can chew on them on your own, I’m tired of trying to write about them.

I’ve been reading a lot of Henri Nouwen lately. In his writing I find deep truth and wisdom. I find an understanding of my loneliness and an impetus to redeem that loneliness and turn it from a stumbling stone to bedrock.

“Through the discipline of solitude we discover space for God in our innermost being. Through the discipline of community we discover a place for God in our life together.” Making All Things New

The next two are from Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life

“A friend once wrote: “Learning to weep, learning to keep vigil, learning to wait for the dawn. Perhaps this is what is means to be human.” It is hard to really believe this because we constantly find ourselves clinging to people, books, events, experiences, projects, and plans, secretly hoping that this time it will be different. We keep experimenting with many types of anesthetics, we keep finding “psychic numbing” often more agreeable than the sharpening of our inner sensitivities. But … we can at least remind ourselves of our self-deceit and confess at times our morbid predilection for dead-end streets.
The few times, however, that we do obey our severe masters and listen carefully to our restless hearts, we may start to sense that in the midst of our sadness there is joy, that in the midst of our fears there is peace, that in the midst of our greediness there is the possibility of compassion and that indeed in the midst of our irking loneliness we can find the beginnings of a quiet solitude.”

“There is much mental suffering in our world. But some of it is suffering for the wrong reason because it is born out of the false expectation that we are called to take each other’s loneliness away. When our loneliness drives us away from ourselves into the arms of our companions in life, we are, in fact, driving ourselves into excruciating relationships, tiring friendships and suffocating embraces. To wait for moments or places where no pain exists, no separation is felt and where all human restlessness has turned into inner peace is waiting for a dreamworld. No friend or lover, no husband or wife, no community or commune will be able to put to rest our deepest cravings for unity and wholeness. And by burdening others with these divine expectations, of which we ourselves are often only partially aware, we might inhibit the expression of free friendship and love and evoke instead feelings of inadequacy and weakness. Friendship and love cannot develop in the form of an anxious clinging to each other. They ask for gentle fearless space in which we can move to and from each other.”

I’ve been listening to The Weepies obsessively. If you like music and you don’t own this album, go get it right now. It is amazing. Here’s my favorite line from Can’t Go Back Now, which has become our family’s theme song.

“I can’t really say why everybody wishes they were someone else / But in the end the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself”

I got some hardcore antibiotics this morning. Two hours later, I decided to try running for the first time in 10 days. It hurt my legs but did wonders for my psyche. Less than four weeks until the 1/2 marathon. Being sick at this point makes me very nervous.

That is all for now.

Flying down the hill.

I love this kid.

(When he’s flying his head acts as the propeller. The other day I asked him if he was ready for another haircut and he assured me that a haircut was a bad idea because - and stick with the three-year-old logic here - his face propeller won’t work without his hair. Awesome.)

I only have one long sleeve shirt on today. This, and the promise of above 70 temperatures for the weekend, gives me great hope that spring might finally be here to stay.

My columbines also serve as kindling for that hope.

I could stare at these beauties all day.

Here are three things I think everyone who is working to improve their health should do:

Make a really good chart. If you’re a big nerd and you love excel, I’ll send you mine (Justin’s in-house tech support not included). If not, write down your weight every week, or your measurements every couple of months, or how far you walk, or what you eat every day. Whatever is important to you, whatever you are trying to improve, write it down. Looking at those numbers and watching them change over time is incredibly encouraging.

Take pictures. I have been putting this off for over a year. You don’t have to show them to anyone, just take them every few months (I’m going to take mine every 10 weeks) and tuck them away somewhere. Wear approximately the same thing in each picture (ladies, a sports bra and shorts works really well, guys, shorts with no shirt) so that you won’t die if they happen to pop up on your computer but you can still see your body as it is, not hidden under loose clothing. Remember, the after picture means nothing without a before shot.

Get a physical with full labs. Most insurance plans cover an annual physical. You need to find out where you stand. Getting a baseline for blood pressure, weight, cholesterol, blood sugar and all that other good stuff is very helpful. My last physical was in June 2005, six months after Andrew was born. At that time my weight was recorded at 253.3, I didn’t have full blood work done so I don’t know how those numbers have changed, but I’m sure they have. In addition to establishing a baseline, it is important to make sure that everything is working the way it should be.

That’s my advice, now it’s up to you to do something with it.

I spent the better part of the last two days in bed. Fever. Chills. Headache. Sore throat. Coughing. I’ve got it all.

It may be impossible to overstate how much I hate being sick. I realize that everyone else hates it too, but I’m enough of a drama queen to believe that I hate it most.

I stayed home from my meeting last night so I don’t know what the official scale said, my new scale (new scale! yay!) said 197.6 which seems reasonably close to what I would expect.

I think I’m feeling a little better today. I made it to Fred Meyer and the library without falling over, so there must be hope.

Now, since Andrew is sleeping, I am going to take a nap.

From my

Coffee-Grinding

Fire-Truck-Driving

Flower-Gathering

Wheel-Washing

Goofy-Grinning

Garden-Helping

Little Buggy.

It’s good to be the Mommy.

I finally finished The Emotionally Healthy Church by Peter Scazzaro.

This book was well-described, here and here, by my friend, Jen.

Head over to the book list to read some of my thoughts.

I just finished Mayflower by Nathaniel Philbrick. Head over to the book list to find out more.

We didn’t have our weigh-in last night, the group was canceled due to a scheduling conflict.

I can’t say I am too disappointed. I’ve been to four large parties in the past two weeks, and while there were many healthy options available and I did okay at all of them, it was a lot of food that I didn’t have control over.

And then there is the Cinnamon Toast Crunch that was on sale which I do have control over and I should have exerted that control by not buying it. But I didn’t. Damn you, little bits of cinnamon goodness! Damn you sweet tooth!

The scale at the gym is up a couple of pounds, which may or may not mean anything.

This is a low mileage training week, so it’s a good time to get back on track with the food. Parenthetically, those long runs are not actually all that helpful. I have to eat a lot on those days so that I don’t keel over and it is hard to get back on track after a 2500+ calorie day.

Also, I’m feeling better about the whole running thing after yesterday’s post. Maybe I just needed to let a bit of The Crazy out in a controlled setting.

There’s a danger in locker rooms, and it’s not just athlete’s foot.

A falsely intimate community is created by sweating next to a person for 45 minutes every morning and then changing next to that same person. Guards are let down. Trust is given too freely. Things that should stay hidden are revealed.

Last week my locker room buddy (I truthfully don’t know her name) dropped a bomb in the midst of our morning small talk, “This is the first time I’ve been a member of a gym in years. I forgot how obsessive I can get. I don’t think my family is very happy with me, but I can’t stop.”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “you should try distance running.”

And, standing there in the locker room, I told her everything - how tired I was, how much I miss my friends, how I felt trapped by my goals and intentions. I told her that I was counting the days to the marathon, not out of excitement but because then I could stop without feeling like a failure. I told her about how my knee hurts and how scared I am of being injured because, as much as I hate it sometimes, I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t run. I told her how I feel like running is just another addiction and how I tired I am of being addicted to things.

I told her things that I hadn’t told Justin, things that I hadn’t told my best friend, things that I hadn’t really told myself.

It scared the crap out of me.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I haven’t made any decisions yet. Finishing what I start is something vitally important to me, and I’m not sure that I am mentally strong enough to deal with failing to meet my goals. Sometimes feats of physical strength are easier than feats of mental strength.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I love to run. I love who I am as a runner. I don’t want to reinvent myself again. I’m hoping that this is just the pendulum swinging to the other extreme and if I can just hold on long enough it will settle in the middle and I can run, sanely.

I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I think I’ll keep my mouth shut in the locker room.

It’s too dangerous.

Today was my longest run in preparation for the 1/2 marathon (five weeks from tomorrow!).

After a week of Seattle-level nice weather, today started out cloudy and cold. We decided to do a point-to-point run from Kent to Tukwila. If you’re not from around here and those names mean nothing to you, picture two suburbs that used to be some of the most fertile farmland in the world, spread them about 12-miles apart and connect them with a meandering river and flat trail. As runs go, this one is pretty sweet.

I was decked out in my race-day clothes, including my lucky underwear. We parked one car at the north end and drove south to the start.

I wasn’t looking forward to this run at all. I’ve been tired and stressed all week. I’m having twinges of knee pain that worry me - a lot. I didn’t sleep well last night and the return of the cold weather makes me want to curl up and die. This is where having a running buddy helps immensely. If I didn’t know that someone was waiting for me, there is no way I would have left the house this morning.

But leave the house I did, and, like every other time I lace up my shoes and go running, I’m glad for it after the first ten minutes.

We ended up running just over 11 miles in just under two hours. We ran, talking about how far we’d come on this run and as runners in general. We talked about everyday life, Lance Armstrong and our plans for the future. We ran quietly, without music, and listened to our breathing and the sounds of our feet, and then we talked some more. Towards the end we decided we needed that music so we started singing, Eminem and then Queen. It was goofy, but it helped.

It was a hard run, but a good one.

I’ve heard that the last section, three miles in a 1/2 marathon and 6 miles in the full marathon are the hardest. It’s when your body is done and your mind must make the decision to keep going. It’s why, when training for those races, you rarely run those miles. They are not about your body, they are about your will.

I feel ready for the race. Ready to see the fruits of my training. Ready to push my body to the edge and then let go, trusting my will to carry me through. These next few weeks are going to be tough. I have one more 10-mile training run and then I really start to taper back. I have to discipline myself to stay strong while allowing my body to rest, heal and prepare. I have to cast myself as my friend, not my enemy, and make choices that are good for my body. I have to listen to myself and take the time to take good care.

I’m nervous. I’m excited. I’m scared. I’m ready.