I’ve had this sitting in my drafts folder for a while, publishing it while I’m running seemed right.

Race details will be up as soon as I can formulate some thoughts.

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Our lives are a fairy tale, written by the hand of God. - Hans Christian Anderson

Every so often I question my motivation for keeping up with this blog. I try to make sense of the changes that have occurred between when I started and where I am now. I wonder if I should delete my cringe-worthy old posts, or if I should start over somewhere else, or if I should scrap the whole idea and rest easy, knowing that there is one less thing on my to-do list.

For those of you who don’t know, I started this blog anonymously. I was just beginning to unpack some of The Crazy that I had carried for much of my life and I needed a place to sort it out. I wrote assuming no one would read. It was nothing more than a diary, written for the purpose of separating the truth from the lies with no thought to an audience.

As time passed and the therapeutic effects of truth-telling gave me confidence, I decided that I wanted to share my story. I wanted people to know me and understand me. I swung from maintaining a carefully constructed persona to the queen of over-sharing. People found this place and I had to deal with the consequences of sharing my life on the internet. The fallout taught me to think twice before hitting publish and forced me to weigh my words. As messy as some things became, I can look back and see that this story, my story, continued throughout, evolving and reflecting the changes in me. And even in the mess, there was goodness and light to be found.

I continue to swing between extremes. At each, I try to make sense of this place, try to categorize it. At each extreme I cringe at the thought of letting this place be what it is, a story in process, unapologetically me.

(And, yes, I can see that even this post is an apology of sorts, or at the least an unnecessary explanation. I’m not that blind.)

I still fight the temptation to clean this site up, to delete the old posts and re-hide parts of my life. I was about to do it a while back when I got a comment on a post I had written in December 2006. I went back to read the post and I realized that, as much as I want to delete the past and put it behind me, I need those stories to remind me where I have been.

I try see the archives as monuments, rock cairns built along the road. I read those stories and I say, yes, I remember that. That was me.

But, as I read them I also say, that was me. I am not the same person I was. I don’t have to be that person anymore. I don’t have to think her thoughts or act her ways. I can choose to be bound by her or I can choose to let her go. From the beginning I have talked about freedom, freedom from the lies I constructed, freedom from the habits that enslaved me, freedom from the regrets of my past. As I grow in my understanding of freedom as a choice, I believe that it is always offered, but too often we choose not to accept it. We choose slavery to the things we hate because, although hated, they are understood. Although hated, they contain elements of comfort and control, and we are content to hide behind the facade of peace.

Although we hate it, we continue in slavery because we believe we do not deserve anything better.

My heart aches when I read some of my old posts. It aches at the clumsy ways I tried to care for myself and at the half-hearted attempts I made at freedom. I look at the girl whose life is reflected there and I ache for her, trying to shine in the middle of the dark world she created.

I am not so naive to think that I have arrived - I still have to meet my own eyes in the mirror. But I feel like it is time to build another cairn, to raise a stone and say, “Look. Look what God has done here. Remember this place. Remember where you have come from. Remember where you are going. Remember that this is just another part of the story.”

I hope I look back on this essay in a couple of years and count it among the cringe-worthy posts of old. I hope that my life has changed so much that I ache for the girl I am now, the girl still clumsily caring for herself along the road to freedom, the girl who is still learning to shine.

Justin managed to fix my sidebar.* I have no idea what happened. I was attempting to update some links and, just when I thought it was done, I went to check and see how the page looked and there was nothing on the page. Nothing. Just the header and the title. Nothing else.

I panicked. It’s what I do in these situations.

As he sat there, scanning the lines of code for anything out of the ordinary, I commented to him, “I’m glad you’re here. I’d be having a real nervous breakdown if it weren’t for you.”

He snorted, acknowledging me without breaking concentration.

“You think I’m kidding.”

“I wish you were.”

Sometimes the truth just slips out.

*At least, he managed to restore the default settings, I’m still not thrilled with it. I think I’m going to move some of the fun stuff that I was trying to add to pages. I’ll let you know. I’d like to think that I could have done it too. And I think I could have. But I’m glad I didn’t have to.

We are experiencing technical difficulties.*

We are aware of the problem with the sidebar and are working to correct it.

An operator will be with you shortly.

Know that your call is important to us.

*GAH! Don’t be like me. Save early. Save often.

Since most people use a feed-reader in these technologically advanced times, I wanted to point out the changes to my sidebar.

Instead of the normal, all-encompassing, ubiquitous blogroll, I have divided my links up to reflect the people that I know in real life, I Heart These Folks, and the other fun things I do to waste time (ahem, participate in the growing online community), Various and Sundry. The latter is a veritable hodge-podge of blogs I read, sites I visit, things I am interested in - it’s really quite a collection. I am in the midst of updating my soundtrack section and will let you know when I finish that, and have, for the moment at least, removed the Now Reading and Who I Read sections. I foresee some serious geek time with Shelfari when winter comes.

So poke around, if you see something you like - or don’t - tell me in the comments!