The soundtrack of life tells a story in a way that I never could. A song comes on and suddenly, you are there with me, at that time, in that place, with that person. If you hear my songs, you hear my heart. In 2005, I made a mix tape to commemorate the passing year and I discovered the power of a group of songs to tell a story or convey a feeling in a way that one song, or one essay never could. As long as there is a soundtrack in my head, I will continue to make these tapes. I hope they help you understand my story, and your own.

Follow the links, find out what the songs mean for you - lyrics always matter.

Wandering Away - 2007

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One of my favorite Patty Griffin songs says ‘nothing’s certain except change will come / every year what we do is undone’. This was a year of change, a year of hard conversations and seismic shifts. It was a year of moving on, a year of making decisions that will set the course of our days for years to come. Our circumstances changed this year, yes, but the important changes were in us. We - and I have to say ‘we’ now, it was a year of becoming we - became one this year, one couple, one family. The changes do not apply to me alone, they apply to all of us. We will not be the same. We will be better, together.

My Body Is A Cage - Arcade Fire - Oh, the things I could do! If I could just get outside of myself.

Square Peg - Jill Phillips - Much of my life has been spent trying to fit in to someone else’s mold. It doesn’t work. It will never work. I know I need to let go of those expectations, but I can’t quite get the hang of it.

Wandering Away - The Go Station - Raise a glass to Jen Zug for turning me on to this song. It was the KEXP song of the day at just the right time. Whether running an extra mile or trying to get through another day, this song always helps.

Holy Is The Lord - Andrew Peterson - The song of the epiphany. It still hurts to listen to it.

Monkey’s Paw - Smalltown Poets - Sometimes Christian pop gets it right. My favorite line is ‘dreams come true can kill a man / if never graced by sovreign hands’. I can check everything off my list and still be lacking, or I can choose to release control and submit my will. It is a daily battle.

Different Names For The Same Thing - Death Cab For Cutie - I want to deny the reality that, no matter what my circumstances, I will have to look at myself in the mirror every morning. It is good to know that other people get that too.

I Am A Rock - Simon and Garfunkel - This song is almost too close to home. ‘I have my books / and my poetry to protect me’, I don’t want to live this way, but it is so much easier than the alternative.

A Girl And Her Horse - Carbon Leaf - Sometimes there are things that a girl just has to do on her own. This year was another step in finding my voice and treading the path that was set out for me. As much as I want company on that journey, it is one of the things I must do alone.

Brothers On A Hotel Bed - Death Cab For Cutie - At the beginning of this year I would have said that this song described my marriage. The thought that we could have spent the rest of our lives this way haunts me.

Intervention - Arcade Fire - I broke down completely the first time I heard this song. It provided the starting point for a conversation that was eight years in the making. Intimate honesty is a terrifying thing, but the life that is birthed from it is richer than I could have dreamed.

The Crane Wife 3 - The Decemberists - According to Wikipedia, The Crane Wife is an old, Japanese folk tale with many variations. The story I heard goes something like this: A poor man finds an injured crane on his doorstep, takes it in and nurses it back to health. After he releases the crane, a woman appears at his doorstep with whom he falls in love and marries. Because they need money, his wife offers to weave wondrous clothes out of silk that they can sell at the market, but only if he agrees never to watch her making them. They begin to sell the clothes and live a comfortable life, but he soon makes her weave more and more. Oblivious to his wife’s diminishing health, his greed increases. He eventually peeks in to see what she is doing to make the silk she weaves so desirable. He is shocked to discover that at the loom is a crane plucking feathers from her own body and weaving them into the loom. The crane, realizing that her secret has been revealed, flees in shame. The husband, overcome with grief, dies in grief saying, “I would have loved you.” Justin and I are slowly revealing the truth about ourselves to each other, hurting each other, picking up the pieces and trusting in the fact that our love will grow, if we let it.

Resurrection Fern - Iron And Wine - As our relationship matures we become ‘all the more a pair of underwater pearls / than the oak tree and its resurrection fern’. We are a pair, a set. Complete in our own right, not dependent on each other for life, but more beautiful together. Justin interpreted this song for me and, at that moment, I knew we were going to be okay.

Daily Bread - Jill Phillips - I love the concept of daily bread, it is not bread for a week, or a month, or the rest of my life. It is my daily bread. Exactly what I need for each day, no more and no less.

Chicago - Sufjan Stevens - Much as I resist change, I see that, throughout life, we are being recreated - carefully formed in to what we are supposed to be.

My Eyes - Travis - The hardest part of parenting is having a child that has my eyes. He struggles with the same things I struggle with and hurts in the same way I hurt. I want to protect him from everything that I can see coming, but I know that he will not grow unless he experiences the things that scare and hurt him. This year has been one of shared joy and shared pain, of fear and courage. I hope that, as Andrew sees us growing and learning, he will find the courage he needs to walk the path laid out for him.

The Heart Of Life - John Mayer - Such a stupid little song. Such a profound message right when I needed it. The heart of life is good. I want to look back on this year and remember the all the joy that we had in the stupid little moments of our lives.

Alien Conspiracy - Andrew Peterson - So maybe my love of Beecher’s Flagship Cheddar isn’t my fault… Ok, I know it is. But this song makes me laugh every time I hear it.

The Voices I Hear - 2006

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There are voices that tell lies and voices that tell the truth. Often they masquerade as other than what they are, leading to an incredible state of disorientation - also known as The Crazy. As much as I try to sort them out, I still have a hard time deciding which is which.

Why Does It Always Rain On Me - Travis - I ask this question so often, always wondering how fate is going to come back to get me.

Lightening Rod - 5 O’Clock People - This is such a deep song. For so long it was just a love song to me, then I started applying it to my faith, wondering what would happen if I had the guts to ’stand and taunt the fire of God’. This would not be rebellion, but a final declaration for what I believe.

Acrobat - U2 - ‘And I must be an acrobat / to talk like that and act like that’ Yep, nothing more needs to be said.

Sit and Listen to the Rain - Ryan Adams - There are a few people who can capture what I feel like when I am depressed. This song hits it dead-on.

Piece of Glass - Caedmon’s Call - I give the face in my mirror way too much power.

Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straits - Timing is everything. I discuss this song (and the next two) here.

Told You So - Barenaked Ladies - I told you so. Some of my favorite words. Not the best part of my personality.

Everyone’s Beautiful - Waterdeep - If I could see the beauty in everyone, I would spend a lot less time being Crazy.

Mountains - Andrew Peterson - I have to believe this. I just have to.

If I Had A Boat - Lyle Lovett - Escape. I love the thought of it.

Martyrs and Thieves - Jennifer Knapp - ‘There are ghosts from my past that own more of my soul than I thought I had given away’ I could never express this with the same eloquence, that’s why I love music.

The Silence Of God - Andrew Peterson - Again, reminding me that I am not alone.

Honestly OK - Dido - This is what happens when I spend too much time in my own head.

If You Want To Get Free - Waterdeep - It seems like such an easy thing to do, just have a little faith… but I can’t seem to manage it most of the time.

More - Andrew Peterson - ‘There must be more…’ Right?

Yahweh - U2 - Bono is my hero.

After the Last Tear Falls - Andrew Peterson - Another one that I just have to believe.

All The Things I Should Have Said – 2005

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This was the year that our recovery group really solidified; we realized we were all on essentially the same journey, manifesting itself in different ways. I realized that my friendships, with these women and others, were far deeper than I thought. My habits of keeping secrets and telling little white lies became roadblocks in my relationships. I realized that the walls I built to protect myself kept people from knowing me. I realized that I wanted to be known.

One Prairie Outpost – Carbon Leaf - I thought this song was only written for me, until they played it live and everybody in the room was singing along. I guess we are not so different after all.

Man, I’m Gonna Sing – Don Chaffer - I spend way to much time thinking about the things I’m going to do, once ______ happens. I never seem to get around to doing them though.

Re-Offender – Travis - Bitterness is a sad, sick state. I spend too much time there.

Same Old Line – 5 O’Clock People - Sometimes I think I should have the chorus of this song tattooed on my forehead. I guess that is the point of this blog.

When I’m Up – Great Big Sea - I used to think this was such a happy song, a party song. But I saw them perform it in concert and I realized there was tragedy in there too. I really get that.

Reasons Why – Nickel Creek - ‘Others have excuses / I have my reasons why’ Don’t we all, Sara? Don’t we all?

Motor Cars - Aaron Sprinkle - I’m very easily distracted. Especially by shiny things.

The Color Green – Rich Mullins - My friend Jamie introduced me to this song. I love the idea that even the colors reflect the glory of creation.

Much Afraid – Jars Of Clay - This is autobiography at its best.

She’s Becoming Gold – Marc Cohn - To me, this song is not about being a victim, but about coming to the realization that things aren’t going to work out exactly as we planned and understanding that it is the unexpected and uncomfortable parts of life that make us real.

He Will Come – Waterdeep - ‘She spilled her coffee in her Chevy on her way to work at 8:05 / She always thought that she was clumsy and she hated it and wondered why / She can handle any tragedy that happens but not little things like this’ Yep. That sounds about right.

Against The Window Pane – Don Chaffer - Don Chaffer reminds me, once again, that I am not alone.

Windmills – Toad The Wet Sprocket - Isn’t this song on every mix tape of someone who grew up in the ‘90s? Cliche? Perhaps. Appropriate? For sure.

Wishlist – Pearl Jam - For every time I wished that things were different. I am reminded that my wishes for circumstances to change are usually disguising a wish for me to change.

Running To Stand Still – U2 - I expend so much energy … only to remain in the same place.

Nothing To Say – Andrew Peterson - Like, The Color Green, another song reflecting God’s glory in creation.

You Lay Me Down – Waterdeep - God cares, even when we shutdown.

Move! (and channel that rage)

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An Ultimate Workout Tape, useful for those angry/sassy/aggressive days. They happen to the best of us and the best we can do with them is get out and expend some of that energy.

Lose Yourself - Eminem

Bye Bye Bye - *NSYNC

Science of You - Epoxies

Wind It Up - Gwen Stefani

Song 2 - Blur

SexyBack - Justin Timberlake

I Don’t Want To Fall In Love - She Wants Revenge

Holiday - Green Day

Guerrilla Radio - Rage Against the Machine

Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park

Drunken Lullabies - Flogging Molly

Must Be The Moon - !!!

Girl’s Not Grey - A.F.I.

Numb/Encore - Jay-Z and Linkin Park

Hands Held High - Linkin Park

Mr Brightside (Jacques Lu Cont’s Thin White Duke Mix) - The Killers

Saeglopur - Sigur Ros

Move! (and smile, life is good)

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Another in the Ultimate Workout Tape series (I get bored easily, there may be more). In addition to working out this is a useful soundtrack for summer days, Saturday afternoons, Friday nights or any other time that things are right in the world.

Never Is Enough - Barenaked Ladies

Wandering Away - The Go Station

Life Less Ordinary - Carbon Leaf

Some Days You Gotta Dance - Dixie Chicks

Float On - Modest Mouse

The World I Know - Collective Soul

No Fit State - Hot Chip

Where The Blacktop Ends - Keith Urban

The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

This Year - The Mountain Goats

Inner Smile - Texas

Turn The Beat Around - Gloria Estafan

Keep The Car Running - Arcade Fire

Buddy Holly - Weezer

Beautiful Day (Quincy and Sonance Remix) - U2

I’m A Cuckoo -Belle and Sebastian

Triumphant - Royksopp

Gonna Fly Now - Maynard Ferguson

The Hairbrush Tape

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This was a hell of a lot of fun to make! Crank the volume, grab your hairbrush (or pseudo-microphone of choice) and start singing.

I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor

If I Were A Bell - Guys and Dolls

I Want You To Want Me - Cheap Trick

Don’t Dream It’s Over - Crowded House

Goodbye Earl - Dixie Chicks

Strawberry Wine - Deanna Carter

Here With Me - Dido

Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off - Ella Fitzgerald

One Week - Barenaked Ladies

When I’m Up - Great Big Sea

Video - India.Arie

I Feel Pretty - West Side Story

Roxanne - The Police

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go - Wham!